As we head into Labor Day weekend my daughter-in-law is expected to go into labor and I’m pretty sure that’s not what they meant when they named the holiday. I’m sure it was invented in Minnesota so people could celebrate the last day you can BBQ before the first snowfall. Nevertheless, as we prepare for the new arrival due this weekend, I thought I’d use my time wisely and brush up on my nursery rhymes so I’m ready when this zygote can finally comprehend what I’m saying and I have to tell you, I’ve noticed some inconsistencies in our childhood fables. I suppose that since they were meant for children, these accomplished authors felt they could be a bit lazy with their story lines and rhyming. After all, I don’t think any of them are in the running for a Pulitzer.
I have a real problem with Jack & Jill. Are they morons? Why are they going up a hill to fetch a pail of water? Everybody with an IQ above a turnip knows water flows downhill. In this world of “no child left behind” I really don’t think these two would be missed any more than Hansel and Gretel. And the author certainly wasn’t any threat to Einstein because he tried to rhyme “after” with “water” which isn’t even close. If they had been going up a hill to get a bucket of beer, after Jack died Jill could have drank the “beer”…”here.” Much better. If they had been after a bottle of “gin” we would have Jack fell down and broke his crown because Jill pushed him “in.” I guess it’s true when they say, “alcohol makes everything better.”
I also take issue with Old McDonald because the old guy was a farmer and should know what sounds his animals make. Did he hear moo-moo and think, “I’d better feed the chickens?” Has he been alone on the farm too long? And what’s with the E-I-E-I-O? Was he too lazy to write the extra lines and just decided to throw a few vowels in there to confuse the kids? Old Mother Hubbard starved her dog because she had no bones. Hey, get a job lady. It’s not our fault you can’t buy pet supplies with food stamps. Little Bo Peep had one job and she fell asleep and screwed it up. How can a shepherd lose her sheep? All they do is stand around eating; it’s not like they could all jump on a party bus to Vegas. And don’t get me started on Little Jack Horner. Who eats pie with their hands? This is not a contest at the fair. Use a fork you little slob.
Humpty Dumpty should boggle the mind of any adult. Geez, the guy’s an egg and we all know eggs roll all around. We’re all familiar with gravity. Get off the wall you idiot. Once he’s broken we’re all thinking…breakfast, but they bring in all the king’s horses and all the king’s men to try and put him back together again. That’s like the jigsaw puzzle from hell. Just go find the chicken and start over. And what good are horses in this matter? They don’t even have opposable thumbs. They don’t even have…thumbs and while horses are alive…you don’t even have glue. And why is there a lit candlestick on the floor? And why does Jack have to jump over it? Is it a new Olympic sport? Did it light the way to the bathroom before nightlights? You’d better be nimble and quick because you’re not getting into college with your brain. Just walk around it, you bonehead.
I don’t know how in good conscience I can read these tales to a young person as they all contain either death, pet abuse, loss or tragedy of some sort perpetuated by people I wouldn’t trust to lick a stamp without swallowing.
IMC has in excess of 2200 promotional products that will help you serve your client and we are adding new brand partners and products from our collections and our established retail brand partners. We believe IMC products speak for themselves and we can also show you ways to use and market them to your clients. Our products with decoration will have your customer coming back time and time again. Since introducing Waterford® Writing Instruments and MoMA years ago, IMC has presented more than 60 retail brands from global suppliers to enhance the selections you can offer your clients. We invite you to browse any of our 2,200+ products on the BRAND NEW IMC website to see items suitable for any occasion or event and pieces you can use to personalize your relationship with your clients. You can register as a distributor, track orders, upload art for virtual samples and even create your own flyers and catalogs of our products. The 2018 IMC catalog is available by request from the IMC website and is posted on the online services. We hope we had a chance to meet in Las Vegas and you had a chance to meet some of our wonderful retail partners from MoMA, Areaware, Blunt, Kikkerland, Magisso, HydAway and Dynomighty. We’ll continue to treat our clients professionally and get your orders to you…on time and on budget. You can also request our 2018 catalog using the catalog page of our website or download the PDF. And the IMC 2018.5 flyer is out and you can see those new products on our website and download a copy of the flyer. We have products for every event and if your client has invented a holiday or celebration, we can also custom-make almost anything you can dream to make your client’s event all it can be. Take a look at our YouTube channel to see some videos showcasing popular products for some ideas on how to use them. We take our business relationship seriously and we want you to enjoy, give and receive our products and be able to use them every day. We look forward to working with you and we always have ideas to make our products work for your clients. The 2018 IMC catalog is also live and available virtually at Zoomcatalog.com and on our website if you’re tired of fighting paper catalogs and it can be viewed nicely with your laptop, iPad, tablet or phone. IMC is the recognized leader in the introduction of new retail brands to the promotional product industry and has multiple design awards from both ASI and PPAI. We have promotional products for every event, show, convention, corporate store and company program that will keep your client looking to you for new ideas. What do you say…are you nimble or quick?