I just read that there is now a bicycle alarm that warns you if a car gets too close and I wondered just what the warning would be, maybe something like…”Look out. You’re about to die?” Isn’t that like someone telling you to duck just as the baseball hits you in the face? Or, “watch out…I accidentally dropped an atom bomb. Run!” And why are we catering to bikers? We don’t even like them. We think they are privileged, snotty, snooty jerks who think they own the road. And they’re always cranky because of the chafing and they’re wearing stupid shirts with enough logos to finance the Super Bowl. Why don’t we care about that deer? I’m sure he would have liked some kind of early warning system just before he jumped in front of my car. And you can’t drive a mile down a Texas highway without seeing what’s left of an armadillo. PETA will protest anything…someone give them a call.
Curiously, cyclists are all nice and friendly in their letters to the editor talking about sharing and everybody getting along but when they’re on the road in a pack, they make Godzilla look like a field mouse. Aliens looking at us from space probably see these lines of cyclists and think they are an ant colony heading back to the queen. Cyclists want to share the road, which apparently means they get to ignore every rule drivers have to follow, running every red light in the southland with impunity and swearing at us if we should deign to turn left when we have the green arrow. Their hands only come off the handlebars long enough to flip someone off. Seriously, anything that slows them down so much that they have to snap their stupid little shoe out the lock on their pedal is treated as an affront and imposition in their lives. We outsiders would like to opine that if you are in that big of a hurry…get in a CAR.
We also need to revisit the issue of the outfits that cyclists are wearing. The shoes are like Peter Pan booties and they have to waddle around like ducks to get anywhere. And they’re noisy. I hate having a pack of them clickety-clacking around in Starbuck’s because it sounds like the rejects of an audition for Riverdance. It’s like somebody is trying to teach a herd of yaks to tap dance. I always look around just in case there are a couple of 8-year olds practicing with castanets. I’ve mentioned the shirt which was fashioned after a billboard and it has a pocket in the back, probably for drugs, since I don’t trust cyclists anyway. The shorts are some kind of a Bermuda legging that are so tight as to embarrass any sane person but they appear oblivious since the endorphin created during the ride has erased any cognitive, self-respect nerve they might have had. They top it all off with a helmet that looks like it’s been carved out of half a watermelon. Really, this is a monstrosity you can’t believe doesn’t have a propeller of top of it, but I guess it’s the perfect size to hold their brain after I tap them with my front right fender.
I’m all for getting along and there should be room for everyone on the road, no matter how silly they look. But red means stop and if you don’t, you’re sleek composition of titanium and rubber is liable to look like modern art on someone’s lawn while you’re being loaded into an ambulance. The other solution is to take up mountain biking. That way you’re only dodging horses and dogs and, of course, anything they might leave behind on the trail.
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