So I met with my accountant yesterday as we near the portal to the 30 day countdown to April 15th. I figured I’d better get an early start just in case I have to be more creative than normal. I just hope this isn’t the last year I can claim all my dependents because my pets are aging but maybe it’s just time to re-visit the shelter and I’ve learned over the years that if you name your dog Kevin, the IRS doesn’t even blink. I just don’t think they can blame us for being creative when every year congress cancels a bunch of deductions and by the time the tax code gets rewritten, congress puts the deductions back in. They may as well be chanting, “nya nya,’n nya nya” while they do it. They’re already wasting my money just being useless in congress and now they’re wasting my money by running the tax people through their hoops. This is money that could be better spent auditing Donald Trump. So every year accountants all over the country have to learn which deductions are out, which deductions are out but went back in and which deductions are never coming back and why are those always the ones I’m abusing? I read an article once that said congress does that every year so the lobbyists have to come to them every year and court them with food and wine and make a donation while they beg for the deductions back. Oddly, I’ve never read an article that refutes that.
Anyway, I entered my accountant’s cave in full daylight and didn’t leave until vampires were walking around in Westlake Village. Do all accountants live in caves? Or just mine? I am happy with my accountant because he is everything I’ve ever wanted in an accountant. He is bland, dull, lifeless and devoid of humor. He’s the guy you invite to ruin your party. He’s like a jar of mayonnaise who can count. In fact, he could be part of a race of cyborgs who are slowly taking over. I say slowly only because they lack imagination so they don’t know what to do next. But really, who wants an accountant with a life? I want an accountant so sharp he has a loophole named after him. Our CFO is an accountant but he has a personality so I’m pretty sure his heart isn’t into it. I know he still does his kids’ taxes but I think that’s only because they want him to still feel useful. I have played golf with accountants but they have trouble adding their scores correctly so how could I trust them to keep me from being audited when they constantly prove they can’t even add to ten? I have a friend in a business group that’s supposed to be a good accountant. He answers tax questions on the radio but I’m not sure they’re the right answers because well…I’m not an accountant. He could be spouting a recipe for seafood gumbo and I wouldn’t know the difference. And he also likes classic cars and I don’t. I could let that slide but I don’t want an accountant with hobbies. I want my guy locked in a dark room, lit only by the light of the computer screen, wearing a green visor, sharpening his pencil by rubbing in on his corduroy trousers, convincing me that the $87,000 I claim to have given the Salvation Army last year will not raise any red flags.
So, for the next month I’ll be perusing receipts and convincing myself that the $200 I spent at Laser Tag belongs in “business entertainment” and the shelving I installed in the pantry is actually “office repair.” And since it’s clear I need more dependents, later I’m headed to the animal shelter. You might like names like Spot and Cuddles but I’ll be bringing home Dwayne and Wendy. And the spay and neuter fees will be “medical expenses.”
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